I'm afraid of...

Over the past couple of months I have come to an impasse of sorts; a place where I feel comfortable with my French side but still uniquely Canadian. A pensive realization that my French half is evolving at a separate rate, pace and identity to my Canadian persona; a blank slate where I am free, able and willing to try on new hats and ways of living. A simple lack of language and strained communication coupled with innately natural apprehension, and a desire for intelligent discourse, paves way for a new cultural identity, one where I can steer the course and define its direction.

Exciting yet peculiar, forbidden yet permissible, this evolving experience and opportunity lends light to the possibilities and vastness of who, what, and why we are who we are. Throughout this progression I am trapped in a revolving state of stagnation and limbo, where the present moment is preferred in its changeability, flexibility and mindful knowing. A place where I am neither French nor Canadian, where I prefer the French landscape yet fear the familiar North American influence.

 

A reverse culture shock of sorts, especially around other North American expats… Despite the few incredibly cultured and inspirational North Americans I have been fortunate to meet and know; others register within me a sense of shock and opposition. My eyes and ears respond in learned recognition, but my mind and intuition are quickly turned off by the shared similarities I hoped wasn’t so personally ingrained. The expressions, tones, topics and confidence are eerily familiar and heavily recognizable, as if I am listening to myself; yet is it me now, or was it me then, or is it an unchangeable aspect of myself…?

 

It is something I had imagined would be a reality, if and when, I resumed residence across the Atlantic, but it is just as impactful a world apart from its origins and evolution. And so I am struck with a sense of saddened association to my North American roots, yet I remain steadfast, confident, opinionated and direct in my youthful innocence and experience.

 

Perhaps David Bowie describes it best in “I’m Afraid of (North) Americans”… Is there any other culture as influential, imposing, inspiring and invading?

I unmistakeably love and identify with my Canadian roots,

however, in this evolving identity and recognition of self I am beginning to

recognize, evaluate and dissect

the cultural anomalies present in our vast multicultural identities.