Des gaffes en français!

I feel comforted when the average frenchie sides with me, probably out of pity, maybe out of actual agreeance, that the French language is difficult to grasp. With an abundance of exceptions and rules that cannot be explained or rationalized – think irregular verbs, tenses only used in print, gender assignment of nouns (all colours are masculine, including pink)… to name only a few confusing annoyances.

Add to this that there are an abundance of words with quadruple meanings that are unrelated and sometimes opposite – the word jamais means never, but can also mean ever or forever depending on the context; or the word temps means time, weather, stage and tense (as in verb tense)?

I have a very difficult time sorting through these nuances and differentiating between which meanings are used when, where, how and why? It doesn’t help that I am an overly intellectual thinker and have to pick apart everything and understand the reasons and explanations of the when, where, how and why! Not a good trait when trying to learn a language… the idea of complete immersion and just learning by listening, watching TV, horribly speaking and naturally picking up the language is a foreign concept to me.

Another common problem is the rate of speech, which if you ask me, is spoken at hyperspeed! Often times a conversation will be interspersed with, “as-tu comprends”, and if they don’t pick up on my slight head tilt (kind of like when a dog looks at you when you speak but only hears the Charlie Brown wa wa wa), furrowed brow, and general confused expression; then I usually resume a falsified confident appearance and say something like “oui”, or, “un peu”, or, “non” (if I am completely and utterly lost). However I do find myself saying, “I’m confused” too many times each day that quite literally I am living in a Land of Confusion (cue Phil Collins & Genesis)… or more like blissful oblivion!

Par exemple… a couple of weeks ago I was watching TV en français (évidemment), and kept on hearing an expression I had heard numerous times before – “n’importe quoi”? Except my ears heard – n’en porte de quoi! So I tried searching for the meaning online, only to come up with the actual expression after a lengthy fruitless search to find out that n’importe quoi means anything, nonsense or whatever – really which definition is it? Whatever (n’importe quoi), the French language is silly!

Exemple deux… a few days ago while talking to my dad on the phone and writing down the names of two possible French schools, he gave me the name for – Un fils français pour l’immigration et l’intégration (or so I heard)… In actuality the name of the organization is, Office  français…  Minor detail, non, French immigration and integration office vs. French son of immigration and integration! You would think my previously mentioned intellectual brain would have picked up that this place was not named after a son, but n’importe quoi, I am living in a land of confusion remember!

Et exemple trios… yesterday while checking voicemail messages on my ligne fixe there was an ultra hyperspeed message from someone (I couldn’t make out any details of the message – except that it was addressed to Sophie – or so I thought, again…). After having my dad listen to the message he states that it is the Gas company wanting to come out to take a meter reading. Inquisitively I ask why the message starts with, bonjour Sophie, as I am not listed on the apartment, and my dad looks at me with confusion and laughs as the message actually begins with, C’est Proxi Service… but at chipmunk speed I swear it is my name… okay maybe I need an ego check, but n’importe quoi (nonsense) it’s all about me - non!