Now I am 'Ready to Start....'

A good friend once told me years ago that she was impressed and inspired by my assertiveness. Over the years I have often asked her why and how she sees this trait within me, as being assertive is not a natural expression of mine. In reality, I have a tendency to continuously fall into a trap of doing things that in my gut I know are not personally rewarding or satisfying, but that I am either good at, is within my field, or I feel somehow obliged to complete.

After much contemplation, reassurance (both personally and from family & friends), and a few tears later, I have acted on my instincts and freed the pit in my stomach. While I have trusted and acted on my instincts and asserted myself in the past, it is usually after a period of time where I have weighed the pros and cons, gave it a shot, and essentially ignored that little voice that says this is not for you. This time, I did something different and instead of waiting for something better to come along or doing something because of the benefits, I said NO!

A small step forward in self assertiveness and trusting my self and my path, but a big leap in self discovery and loyalty. On Friday afternoon, after a week of training for a new job teaching English, I made the difficult but necessary decision to decline the offer of employment that was to start in January. While I knew from the first day of training that this job was not for me, I began to engage in the comfortable habit of convincing myself that I should give it a chance. Despite the obvious advantages; 1) it is employment in a foreign country where I don't comfortably speak the language, 2) it would enable me to enjoy the benefits of the world renowned french health care system, and 3) it would be a nice addition to my day that is productive and social; - the little voice in my heart that settled into my stomach whispered you are more important than the tangible advantages of this opportunity! And the reality is that at this very moment I have no one else to worry about but myself... and while I hope that one day I will have a family to add to the equation... at this time I am free to take greater risks and assume greater losses, with the knowledge that I am in touch with, and listening to that little voice in my head, heart and soul.

So, on that afternoon I confidently and with honesty explained that while I was grateful for the opportunity, at this time it was not a good fit for me!! I have to admit though that for a split second when asked if  I would be willing to take on even a few teaching contracts, I wanted to say yes, but only out of a sense of obligation and guilt, but the pit in my stomach grew heavier at that thought and I politely declined. And as I left I wanted to cry with relief but also with guilt at the possibility of disappointing others, but realizing that the only disappointment I can control is my own; and today I feel empowered and proud by my assertiveness and confidence and will use that to propel myself forward!

In the words of Arcade Fire (as I am often inspired through the evolving meaning of lyrics...):

.... if I was scared I would

And if I was bored (and if I was pure) I would

And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now I am ready to start.....