The start of a new year and the realization of renewed dreams and goals; a reflection of past accomplishments and unrealized ambitions; a setting of resolutions and personal demands for a brighter and happier season ahead….
As ideas swirl around my head of all the places I want to see, people I want to meet, fears I want to conquer and lessons I want to learn… I am preoccupied instead with the realization of this achieved goal and the journey leading up to it…
In hindsight when I reflect on the journey before the journey the timeline, planning, expectations, tears, anxiety, worry and silver lining seem far away yet not too far in the distance; at least as time and space are defined.
So where did it all begin??? Sometime, more than 3 years ago, I had an impression that I needed to forge a life in France, to engage with and discover my other family, define and understand my life vision and purpose, reflect on my dreams and discover myself, my fears, goals, ambitions, motivations, and strengths…. Although self reflection, analyzation and awareness are all well defined yet ever expanding personal traits.
As I can best recall, the seed was planted one afternoon while sitting on a friend’s balcony overlooking the riverfront, however any actualization of a solidified investment in this seed of thought did not materialize until the summer of 2008. It was at this time when the spark was ignited and a sense of urgency and impending regret grew. And it grew, and grew and grew, and festered until I was scrambling around in a haze of anxiety, half truths, unknowns and what-ifs. Those of you who knew me then, my apologies… Those who were lucky to have been spared this period of my life can only imagine my over-zealous and passion filled planning and expectations, including …
listing my house for sale (end of summer 2008)
getting rid of my car weeks after the listing date (and all at the start of the recession)
obtaining my French citizenship
busing it for a year around Windsor (1 hour 20 mins to and from work)
and then…
deciding maybe I didn’t want to go to France any more
This is where the needle drops, the music stops playing and confusion ensues… but not for me, in actuality it was a time of clarity and re-focusing on the goal and its reasons, implications and significance. I like to think that I regained a sense of balance at this time, or at the very least re-defined my outlook and expectations. And so, with renewed confidence and diminished anxiety I began the following course of action…
looking for and getting a new job
having my Dad visit and stay with me for 5 weeks
beginning a French course (with all 3 of the above starting on the same day)
buying a new/used car
re-listing my house in the spring of 2010 (which sold in 5 weeks with a closing date 5 weeks later)
selling off my possessions
moving in with wonderful friends until my work contract ended
and ultimately moving to France
Maybe it was good timing, the surrender of expectation or the acceptance of the unknown and infinite possibilities, but this second time around was much more effortless and natural, falling gracefully into place.
And so it is … a pre-journey filled with emotion, perspective, discovery and never-ending lessons and learning…. While it did not fit within my initial timelines, expectations and did not come tied up in a bow, it is a realized dream without regret or disappointment.
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